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21 January 2003

What Does It Mean To Live, To Always Go Ahead When I’ve Left Everything Behind by Vasiliy (Roslyakov)



Translated from Russian

“In the beginning
was the Word ...”

by Optyna New-martyr
Vasiliy (Roslyakov)
(+Apr 18, 1993
devoted to Fr. Raphael

I’m weeping for the first time. Who could see?
By words who could create these tears?
What does it mean to live, to always go ahead,
When I’ve left everything behind?

How can one go away from a locked door
And how not kiss its threshold now,
When all roads only lead away,
and never let one in.

I saw what I had lost forever,
Blessed are those who later would be told -
They can then choose to believe it or not
And shake off the bitter heart load.

And how about the first: I saw the light,
And darkness could not overthrow, not overcome it.
And how could I, even after hundred years,
Tell myself it only seemed to be.


For in the first place I am to blame for all
Though cry I’d have as best I can,
And not by drops, but as a waterfall,
Let all sorrow gush out of the soul to earth.

In time, though pain in me abide,
So I may never know what those tears meant,
So like a dog, grieving in the darkness,
I at the sun at least would start to rejoice.

But no, in a palm I’ll hide my face.
What a pity that I can’t foresee a thing.
Looking back over my shoulder I will see
that to ashes pride humiliated me.

No other can my sorrow understand,
It is in my soul as a lasting dry wind,
And it seems I’ll never stand up from my knees,
And cheeks in blood have wiped these tears.

Now what: he is the only who can help,
He’d uproot bitterness out of the heart,
What does it mean to live, to always go ahead -
When I’ve left everything behind?

Hieromonk Vasiliy (Roslyakov)
/ new martyr of Optyna /

12 April 1970

St. Spyridon’s Eyes Elin Pelin /writer/ 'Under The Monastic Vine' cycle

[click here for a link to the St. Spyridon's Miracle in the Cathedral in Karistos, Greece, 1930]


 



St. Spyridon’s Eyes – © Elin Pelin


             Saint Spyridon was a poor shoemaker. Crouching over his low little worktable across which his tools were scattered, and immersed in blissful reflections about God, he worked all day. His sole rest was when he sat to eat quietly and slowly his dry bread or when he lifted up his eyes to look through the little window out to the beautiful picture of God's world, which always touched him.
             White cold winter and hot golden summer brought him equal joy. In springtime, when the sun melted the snow, St. Spyridon loved to listen in to the smooth uniform noise of the droplets falling from the eaves of his shabby stall, and to look how in the opposite garden in front of the little Church lilac puts forth buds and the apple flowers up. The sweet aroma of the blossoms filled the entire small quiet street, it entered in waves the narrow stall and incited even more the youth’s soul to purity. On such days St. Spyridon was thinking with special joy and hope of heaven, and sometimes he got up the low chair and peeked through the window to look up at it.
             He was young and pretty, but flattery and praise failed to ravage his soul with sinful vanity. With exploit and repentance, he craved for praise from God alone, but reckoned himself unworthy of it, although he had no sins. His only thought was to cleanse his soul so it would blossom as the apple in front of the opposite temple and its fragrance would feed the virtues just as the white apple blossom feeds the bees.
             His spiritual beauty extended its appearance also to the mortal shell – the body. That poor young man was marvelous. His face beamed with holy purity and running across his wise forehead and merging barely visibly, were white and pink clouds as if across a dawn May sky. His blue eyes – always contemplating with joy the divine things, had a lake depth, where the reflections of all heavenly bodies quivered.
             Rich and beautiful maidens from the city passed frequently along this remote street where the shoemaker’s of the youth was, and sought a chance to see him, wanting to order festive shoes with him. This horrified the pious young man and whenever he heard cheery female speech and noise of silk dresses, he bent his pure eyes down and never raised them until outside the cheerful and quiet calmness that the small street had reigned in again.
             To avoid any temptation that might come he had placed in front of his stall’s threshold a small chest with ashes. Any woman who came to him to order stepped there and from the step’s mark the shoemaker took measure for his work. For the pure youth chased out of his soul any desire for a woman that could disturb his holy bliss, and kept his eyes [away] from the shadow of temptation and kept his hands away from contact with a body born for lust.
             Once, when St. Spyridon had stood up from the tripod stool and wanted to look out the window and delight in a little white cloud, with which some invisible little angel was playing in the heavenly azure, a gilded carriage stopped before the stall and a young Turkish woman stepped down from it and knocked on the door. Her yashmak was slightly open and St. Spyridon hurried to lower his heavenly eyes to the dusty floor, so as the beauty of temptation would not sneak through them into his soul.
             The woman opened slowly and entered. Entering together with her and standing aside in the dark and poor stall was also the nice spring day that reigned outside. St. Spyridon heard the brisk noise of the fountain, the love scrimmage of sparrows, some song of a young girl, [and] the masculine laughter of young men. That cheerful vanity of life came in together with the unknown woman and stood aside in the small stall.
             The young man bowed his head further down and did not know what to say.
             Then the woman gently, softly and imperatively told him to take measures for new shoes.
             "Step outside in the ashes in the chest. I'll take measure from your step, good lady", St. Spyridon said meekly.
             The woman laughed resonantly and nice and the pious young man thought that crowds of young people stood in front of his stall and threw inside thousands of fresh fragrant flowers. He covered his eyes with his hand and repeated his request with such humbleness that the heart of the young Turkish woman shrank.
             "No”, she said and paused. Then she added: "I want you to take the measure from my foot."
             Then St. Spyridon stood up, took the measure and without raising his eyes, approached the unknown woman. She – gathered up her longish silk dress, raised her beautiful leg and stepped on the low tripod stool. St. Spyridon gropingly wrapped the lace around the sole. At that moment the holy youth lost the thread, which linked his blissful thoughts to God and he – devoted to his work – looked up to see what the measure showed. Then one corner of his eye saw the exquisite foot, gently wrapped in a dark silk stocking. In the soul of the pious youth something tumbled. A little longer, and he would have been ruined forever. But the firmness of his faith did not leave him. Holiness, which had sustained him for so long, had strengthened his will. It rebelled against the awoken desires and St. Spyridon speedily snatched from the table the awl and with a firm hand gouged out the eye inclined to temptation. Together with the strong pain St. Spyridon felt and heard exultation of the soul saved from destruction and in an ecstasy from the blessed delight he did not take down his hand but hit harder with the awl and pricked out the other eye, too. It had no fault. But in his thirst for purity the holy youth wanted to close the windows of his soul, through which rays could pass reflected by seductive and sinful things.
             Having remained without eyes, St. Spyridon could work no more. He closed his stall and went into the woods where a big river flowed between banks overgrown with willows and osiers. Gropingly he cut rods, sat in the sun knitting baskets and gave these away in exchange for a piece of bread to the peasants who passed there on their way to the city.
             It was so quiet, calm and happy around him. He listened to the splash of little fishes that sometimes played in the river and stood long in silence by the bank. The murmur of the bees and the weak noise of the white-stemmed birches growing around filled up his relieved soul with delight. When he passed groping his way from one place to another, he prayed to God to guide his feet so he would avoid squashing ants and small insects that crawled through the grass. The forever young and new breeze, which came to birth in the morning and in the evening and died at noon, robbed the flavor of all grass-blades, flowers, and lime-trees, brought it to the blind hermit and melted his soul into pleasure.
             Amidst that strange silence St. Spyridon’s thoughts – cleansed hundredfold, went out to God and for hours on end contemplated His wise, forgiving smile.
             Only one thing troubled the holy man – the love singing of birds that filled the woods. St. Spyridon could hear how doves, turtle-doves, nightingales and all other birds sat on the boughs and their love caresses troubled him. He gathered stones and threw them at random through the forest, shushed, waved his hands and was trying to chase them away. But they continued to shout, sing, to call each other. In the saint’s mind – despite his efforts – emerging inadvertently were the pictures of their passionate indulgence and one day the young saint realized with horror that there, inside his heart, there are other eyes that he could not prick out.
             And bent down over the basket he was knitting, he was pondering and understanding that by contemplating the world with his bodily eyes, he had never before felt pain like now when he contemplated it with the eyes of his closed soul. Restlessness possessed him. Not knowing whence the reason for this cometh, he thought he had committed some sin before God, and began spending his days and nights in prayer. But day by day his spiritual peace was disappearing more and more.
             Once, placing the last braids of a basket, he was presented with the alluring picture that made him prick out his eyes. He saw clearly with the eyes of his soul the beautiful woman standing before him with skirts slightly raised under which an exquisite foot in silk stocking showed. St. Spyridon wanted in vain to expel that image – so clear and alluring, but was unable to. Wherever he turned his blind face, he saw that woman and heard her laughter. The saint cried out loud, bemoaning his lot and began calling onto God for help. In vain. The seductive image grew and conquered him. He began to see it as he had not seen it and he would not see it then when his blue eyes still shone. And so terrible desires began pushing the blood in his veins. He wanted to pray, but his mouth uttered ardent love words, which resounded in the silent woods like the cry of an owl.
             "God, why are you tormenting me! I cut off my eyes, in order to achieve You – and I'm still away from You. Teach me how to achieve You. Make a sign, Oh Lord!"
             And St. Spyridon fell down with his eyes to the ground in order to make a bow. As he rose up again and turned his head to the sky the blue nice eyes shone up anew on his young face with the depth of a lake in which all heavenly bodies reflected.